A Memoir From Christmas 2011
Todays the day, the day I again am overwhelmed with shame,
guilt, hopelessness, and pain. As previous days I ask for you to hold me, to
love me, today your power just isn’t enough. Today I sit wrapped in your arms
angry, sad, and limp to the world. I kick you, I scream at you, I punch and I
hit. Today is the day I end everything. Christmas after Christmas holiday after
holiday all hope disintegrates into a pool of darkness. A giant Black hole I sit
suffering in the corner of my own
destiny. I continue to use you more and more
in hopes that this time on this day you finally relieve me of this place. This
will be the day everyone will be sorry for letting me sit alone. Today is a day
no one will ever forget. A Christmas that I will be loved, this is going to be
my best Christmas ever, as my family will finally love and remember me for years
to come. Today its all over, the loneliness, the sorrow, the anger, the hate,
the rejection, the hopelessness, the depression, the death of my soul will finally
be free. I will no longer be trapped in the regret, resentment, and shame.
Today I sit with you demon, Glock in hand waiting for you to pull the trigger.
Save me from you, save me from this pitch black room I ve been trapped in all
day, all week, year after year. I've scratched to find the door I've clawed to
find the bottom step to the stairs out of here, yet there are no stairs, there
is no way out. Demon help me sleep so I can be loved again, help me sleep so I
can FINALLY BE WITH THIOSE I LOVE AGAIN. My hand I raise to stare at the dark
metallic circle that holds my future. I close my eyes and when I begin to pull
back on what holds my fate, I see a white dot on the back of my eye lids. In
the darkness of my dungeon at the darkest time in my life just when I think its
finally done, a small speck of light. Click, jammed! Tears fall from my face
and then the call,
“Hello”, “Hi Honey,
Just wanted to say Merry Christmas”, “ I hope your doing ok…..” “When your
ready we are waiting” Just moments ago I
gave you the pistol and allowed you to determine my fate. Even though I have
been shackled to this floor for so long and now I am convinced Im all alone, Im
awakened with a light I didn’t even know was God. A light he shined into one of
the darkest points in my life.
You see this Holiday Season is still difficult for me, while
it is the first time Im home with my family in as long as I can remember, I
still carry an emptiness in my heart that only my children can fill. While they
are there and I am here Ive learned that through the power of Jesus I will be a
better me. When Im ready and in his perfect timing I will never spend another Christmas
without them. Today I hold HOPE without you demon. Today I stand still and know
that he is God. Today I am loved, Today I am Free. Today god heals me again,
because I have given my heart to him. I am found, forgiven, and redeemed in
him. I ask you to close your eyes and see the pinpoint white dot on the back of
your eyelids. That’s him, he stands before you, beside you, and behind you
always crying for a relationship with you. Your not alone this holiday season,
he is right beside you, waiting for you to ask for his help, his strength. He
longs for you to believe in his glory, in his mighty hand that can release you
from the shackles of your demon. He can lock him up, he can defeat what you can’t.
Ephesians 5:8,14 speaks “For you were once darkness, but now you are
light in the lord. LIVE AS CHILDREN OF LIGHT…” “Wake up sleeper, rise from the
dead, and Christ will shine on you.” There is Light in Darkness! Merry Christmas, from my heart to yours!
By: Sean A. Blair
By: Sean A. Blair
COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2015
Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.
Deliverable Sean A. Blair: reblesforchrist@gmail.com
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