UNITE TO FACE ADDICTION

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5iD23U4hWg

My names is Junann Smith Amaral and I AM an addict's mom!

I am proud to be part of this movement which I think is an integral part of our History and bringing awareness!

In the last several weeks I have been called to tell my story and answer questions about my son's addiction different times to parents who were in 3 different places in their journey.  It is hard to talk about sometimes, because it takes me back to some very dark places, but at the same time I hope I was able to offer HOPE!

The hardest part of talking about it - is talking to a parent who continues to be in denial.
First thing is for the parent to understand an addict is someone who abuses a controlled substance (drugs, alcohol, etc.).  I've heard people say I would rather my son or daughter drink than put a needle in their arm! What a myth that is!  Ask someone who buried a loved one due to alcoholism what they would rather see!  Seriously?  An ADDICT is an ADDICT no matter how they abuse their bodies and both can lead to DEATH, HOMELESSNESS, HELPLESSNESS, INCARCERATION, ETC! 

I feel deep empathy toward parents just beginning the terrible journey of their child’s drug addiction — and those facing the turmoil of a next step: rehab, jail, removing the addict from the family home. These wounds, the wounds of tough love stay open a very long time.  I learned a lot of lessons in my journey but like the parent who lives in denial, I too "denied" in the beginning.  It didn’t matter who was telling me the truth, I knew better, after all he was MY son. I learned to accept the truth and acceptance makes it easier to deal with the heartache and makes you become more effective helpers for your "addict."

Let's face it - Parents Are Enablers!  We love our sons and daughters. We would do anything to remove the pain, take away the addiction, smooth the road. I would give my life if it would help and at one point I almost lost my life. I prayed this would be my son's bottom and I told GOD he could take me in exchange for the LIFE of my son!  My thought process in those moments were this........Here's the analogy:  He is standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I tell him it is my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what mom's do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day waiting for the same train (drugs). 

I raised my children the best way I knew how. At some point he made decisions that set him down this path. I could only support him and provide him opportunities to make another decision. This is a hard one. That is why at times sponsors, recovering addicts, police officers, probation officers, corrections officers, pastors, counselors can all do a better job than we can in showing our addict the correct path. That is difficult because no one loves our addict like we do but we cannot do what they need when they need it.

I Cannot Fix This which goes to what I wrote above. This is a problem only our addict can fix. This concept was very hard for me to accept because I try to fix everything. No one is allowed in our addict’s mind except them. They are the only ones that can decide to do something about this. This will not end until they decide to end it. Parents trying to make that decision for them only results in failure and frustration.

My Addict Is A Liar  and Addicts will say anything to hide their addiction and take any action to mask the problem. I honestly believe at the time they do not even realize they are lying, they just say whatever they think YOU want to hear. I believe they have motives in this to seek approval and to give us pride. I believe addicts do not like themselves or what they are doing but at some point they can see no door out. Their only mechanism for survival is to seek some kind of approval through lying, even if they know they will be busted. I believe it offers a similar instant gratification as drugs. I think even a smile of approval from a loved one shoots off those chemicals in the brain that gives them a different high, even if it lasts only a couple seconds. When my addict tells me he is not using I really don’t hear it. Because this is what I know,  “My eyes can hear much better than my ears.” Just as we seek evidence of their using, we must seek evidence of their NOT using. Do not rely on faith that they are not using because they told you.
PARENT don't Be a Fool!

Addicts are Criminals and Symptoms of this disease include illegal behavior. That is why they go to jail. Face up to it, Mom and Dad. He has done things wrong and he must pay the price, as they say, his debt to society. It does no good to bad mouth the police, the judge, the jail, the lawyers they did not put him there. He put himself there. When we see others on TV and in jail we think about how much they deserve to be there but then we say, our babies aren’t like them. We can justify and separate the wrongs of misdemeanor and felony but those are legal terms. The long and short of it? My addict has done things that got him put in there and he must pay. PARENTS, let them be accountable!

Others Don’t Want Them Around and that's OK.  He has hurt and wronged many people. We are the parents, it’s called unconditional love. It is not wrong for friends, brothers, sisters, grandparents, relatives to have their own feelings and pain about this situation or about our addict. Some families just get by and no one abandons the addict, some people decide tough love is the way to help the addict, and others continue to deny the facts until the addict is dead!  We all get to make the choice and we as parents have to live with our own choices!

Life Will Never Be The Same is a hard reality! At 5 years old my son thought he was Super Hero. Running around the house throwing a football and believing he was going to be the next NFL all star! When we look at our addicts we see that 5 year old and mourn the loss and try anything we can to get them back. My addict is now a 35-year-old man. He is every bit an adult with at times a child’s maturity. But our world recognizes chronological ages, not maturity levels. Parents must do that too. I believe that super hero is lost inside of him. Those that are lost sometimes find their way back, but some do not. I can grieve this loss but it will not help him or us to move forward. An addict does not live in the past or the future. I've learned an addict lives in the HERE AND NOW and if I want to help him, I must live in the same world he does.

Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses and the not knowing is the hardest!
When you drive thru the city you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. My son made the decision to live this way, it hurt me terribly and if your son or daughter chooses this, he or she will do this until it is time for them to change; YOU cannot change him or her or those circumstances. It will not help them for YOU to give him a bed in your home if he continues to live the lifestyle.

Why is This Important? I struggled with all that I am against these truths, fought with every ounce of my strength. I lost the fight. I had to accept what I wished was not true. If you get nothing else from my journey, get this!  Until you understand the truth you cannot find peace within yourself or really be able to help your addict. Accepting the truth is what allows you to help your addict by helping yourself.

I do not hate my son for using drugs and putting all of us through this pain. I Hate the DRUG. I Hate the lying, I HATE the stealing, I HATE the lifestyle. Enabling your addict doe not say I LOVE YOU, the same way Tough Love does not say You don't!

I love my son to "the moon and back" but I hate the Drug and the person it makes him!  It is perfectly okay to separate the two.  My love for my son is forever and nothing changes that, but when my son, the addict is using, he is not my son - he becomes the DRUG and the DRUG my friends has no place in my house, in my life or in the lives of the people I love!

Today my son the addict is sober and he puts one foot in front of the other, One day at a time!  Both he and I will continue to share our story!  He is home after 17 years to be near his family and we ask for your continued prayers!  This is another chapter in his continued journey of Sobriety. We will stand together, light our torch and join our brothers and sisters in Washington D.C in UNITE TO FACE ADDICTION as they continue to spread the word and daily WE continue to bow our heads in prayer! Thank you Father God for answering my prayers! TODAY, I have my son back!

                                         By Addict's Mom - June Amaral

COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2016

Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.

Deliverable June Amaral: junannamaral@gmail.com

 

New Year 2016 - Do Not "LOVE" your child to death!

A reminder in the New Year 2016 -  

 Do not let this year, be the year you love your child, your addict, to death!

 Instead Unite in the Fight!

It is often stated, as parents we must hand our children’s recovery back to our children. That single concept is one that is discussed in every forum, book, or support group I have ever encountered. Yet “letting go”, for most parents, is the hardest recovery concept to embrace. Handing an actively using child such an important task can seem “parentally neglectful”. We love our children and want to cure their addiction with every fiber of our soul. We are told by others that you “Can’t Cure It“ yet as family to the battle, we struggle to fix our child. The adages such as the “Three C’s of Addiction” and “Detach with Love“ have been used for years for a reason. For my son to return, I had to “let him go” and risk his death. To me he was “dying on the needle” and I wanted to take my best shot at helping him get healthy again. If he could not get healthy, he would not take my family down with him. I learned “letting go” was one of the few chances I would have to help him save himself.

I've watched others fall victim to the disease of addiction. They were taken hostage by drugs when they were young adults. I watched from the sidelines and saw others try to love their kids out of her issues. Every mistake others made I noted, as there were no internet blogs on what to do with an addicted child back then. I watched others sailing their ship blindly in a sea of addiction few had experienced at that time in middle class America. Tremendous amounts of money were thrown at their children's problem to no avail.

 I saw death, just as my son began the battle with his addiction. I vowed to learn from the mistakes of my others. This is not a condemnation of others parenting style. But I learned you can not love your child clean or buy them out of the captivity. It was the first lesson I learned about addiction before I ever entered the halls of any support group.
Parents often times think death to addiction can be avoided by keeping their “baby” safe at home. The number of children that die in their bedrooms with a heroin needle hanging from their arm is staggering. Look up the statistics! Allowing your child to stay at home does not equate to safety. Home is often used to fuel the addiction as our children sell every item that is not nailed down to feed their demon. The other members of your family deserve a safe haven, one free of the drama and chaos that is always associated with addiction.


The following are a few things that I have embraced and truly help me as the mother of an addicted child:

* We must not put a Band-Aid on this life injury called drug abuse. Covering this issue up does not cure it. Deal in the reality of their addiction and learn how to fight back by using the experiences of others that have struggled before you.

* We must allow our children to find recovery on their terms, even though the journey may bring dire consequences to an addict’s life that is already lived in chaos.
* We must not work their recovery harder than they do. Dragging your child to either NA/ AA meetings is futile if they truly do not wish to attend. They have to “want it” and chase the sobriety as hard as they chased the drugging life.

* We must learn to break free of the drama that is symptomatic of addiction. It is a viable option not to take a cell phone call from your distraught child at 3 a.m. and let the child work out the drama at hand.

* We must learn not to love our addicted child to death. Again love alone did not cure my child. Enabling and codependency will deter potential recovery. I often was told, “Where there is life there is hope” but for me, “There was no hope if I continued to enable my son.”

I remember a call I received on a Saturday morning. My son, age 17 at that time, was panicked over being arrested....Not the first time! There were the usual excuses “Mom it was not my stuff and the cops have me in back of a cruiser. I am telling you it was not my shit…It was my friends! It is not my stuff. “Perhaps not my shining moment as a parent but I responded with sarcasm,“Who is this? “ At that point I had already detached with love from my son. He had been cautioned that death or jail would be the final outcome of this addiction. He was going to face the consequences brought to his life by his addiction. I had learned I would not save him…I could not save him! I did not know the person in the back of the cruiser. His drug addiction had swallowed him completely. It was my son’s body,  yet his spirit and being had been swallowed by his addiction. There was, however, a way back...

Waiting for our children to find their way back is the single most difficult experience a parent will face when dealing with a child’s addiction. Losing my Father to cancer did not inflict a pain close to the pain I felt when my son WAS in the throws of his addiction. Not knowing where your child “resides” after you have opted to remove them from your home in your effort to enforce tough love is an excruciating emotional pain.

Sometimes I can't breath, I hyperventilate........ My son was on the streets, homeless due to his choice to use the drug. My son was under the control of a drug, that if left unchallenged, would kill him. I awakened from a dead sleep many nights and tried to calm myself by reciting the “Serenity Prayer”. I prayed to GOD with all my heart and soul to have “The courage to change the things I can”…yet I can not change him. I had to begin to “Let go and let God”.

The need to detach with love from your child’s addiction is just one challenge parents will ever face in the parent-child interaction surrounding drug addiction.  At the start of my recovery as a parent, I struggled with the thought had if I done things differently my child would not be an addict. Perhaps one more game of “21” in the backyard or one more Power Ranger fun session, one more throw of the baseball, less saying NO and my son would not have become trapped in the addiction lifestyle. There is nothing further from the truth.

Good kids from good families are being swept up in an epidemic of addiction that is gripping the entire country. With their underdeveloped decision-making teen brains they are “fair game” for the pharmaceuticals prescribed in this country every day. The beer drinking, pot smoking parties are now jumped up to the umpteenth degree as kids snort drugs through a straw. One dance with a crushed Oxycontin and their life will never be the same.

My son told me that like many kids, he began his teen drinking and pot smoking at 13 years old. The day he snorted his first pharmaceutical he professed his “love” for being high. I can not understand what it is like to be blind, and I can not understand what is is like to be addicted. As a non-addict I would naively ask, “Why did you jump from the more mainstream choices such as pot up to heroin?” Without blinking an eye, he replied, “Why take the stairs when you can use the elevator?” Pot and beers no longer would suffice; there was a new love in his life, Meth! Quickly it became his master. Beyond the drugs, nothing else mattered. Family, friends, education, girls, self-esteem, all fell by the wayside, as his entire life became enslaved to his new love.

By being addicted to your adult child addict you are only keeping them in addiction without consequences while possibly ruining your finances, marriage, and family life for your other children, health and mental stability. It's him or us. Love my child? Forever, to the moon and back with all that I am. Love the addict? That ship has sailed. My son was in there somewhere but I didn't fool myself. When my son WAS actively using, the addict  WAS in charge. The addict didn't give a crap about me (even tho he said he did) or my pain; he didn't give a crap about school, career, future. He cared about the next fix, period!!!! An addict will steal your wallet, lie to your face about it, then even offer to help you find it. The way you know an active addict is lying? Their lips are moving. Do not confuse the child you loved with the addict in his place.

Until solid sobriety was achieved,  my "son" was MIA. He had to claw and fight for that recovery on his own, I could not help him. It is and was the  hardest moments in the world, for me as a mom who loves her son to the moon and back, to stand back, to "Let Go and to LET GOD"

 

                       By Addict's Mom - Junann Smith

COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2016

Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.

Deliverable June Amaral: junannamaral@gmail.com

FAITH: Are you ready to close your eyes??

Resolute: admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering, steadfast, resolved.

Every year we resolve to change. We resolve to do something we haven’t been doing in our minds or our lives, successfully. We begin to edit our lives and the things we feel we need to change. The things we feel we have failed at and need to do better. Whether our health, our weight, our path; better dad, better husband, better friend, better person. Stop spending, save more, no negativity, more positivity, more of God and less of me. It doesn’t really matter what it is, at the first of the year we, at least, internally resolve to do better somewhere.

For the week leading up to the New Year I began to edit my life, where I had fallen short, in hopes to alleviate my shortcomings in 2016. As my mind began to make the list, I found myself adding and deleting things until I almost felt consumed in the realization that, I have too much stuff. When we resolve to do something we stand firm, completely positive, unwavering like a rock pounded intensely by the waves. Day after day and year after year we tend to conclude that our “resolutions” become a reminder of failure. In my 35 years of life I have yet to actually conquer a new year’s resolution. I know I don’t only speak for myself but for 1000’s of others all over the world. We intently set ourselves up to fail, even though we left failure and struggle in the years past.

I know every Dec 31^st at 11:59 I await the bell, the grand celebration to release all of the past year’s shortcomings and failures, and I reach for a vibrant confidence to conquer goals in the new year. Then 12 o’clock hits everyone screams, champagne bottles pop, noise makers screech, kisses fly, and confetti falls while new dreams and goals are born in a confidence I’ve come to learn is only temporary. A confidence to change our world we live in, a confidence that was built on the past year’s failures. We are blinded by false confidence enough to believe we can actually form a true resolution. How can we be resolved in anything with false confidence? We lack true confidence because of the failure we still truly reside in. The snap of a finger or the sight of a ball dropping doesn’t just, poof!,  release the inner spirit that we have convinced of failing from the true emotion of non-completion. I have learned, no longer can I put confidence in the flesh to achieve anything, to accomplish any goal, overcome any feat or move any mountain. With my mind lost in the consumption of editing, I turn to prayer and ask God to give me one thing this year that can change my life, one word that can truly change everything. Please give me the word I need to Focus on that will move mountains and bless my life in abundance.

After a couple of days in prayer God answered my question. He first started by spending the week answering my question by having it answered through the work of others. All week my life has been challenged by others’ issues and problems that have arisen in their lives as they seek for answers through me. My answer was the same to them that he was using with me while I used scripture to teach and water their souls with his word. All the while God knew exactly what he was doing, because at the end of the week before the end of my prayer He Spoke, FAITH. Son you must have faith.

Faith defined is confidence or trust in a person or thing; or the observance of an obligation from loyalty. Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Faith answers every problem, failure, or trouble that lies within me. Faith and confidence in prayer, Have FAITH and confidence in believing my prayers will be answered. Faith with an expectancy that God will always show up. Walk by Faith, Live by Faith, Breath by faith. Faith when I approach my finances, faith when I approach my calendar, faith in experiencing his presence in Constance! Romans 14:23 teaches, “But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.” When we eat in doubt, when we eat and have confidence in the flesh, we fail faith, we sin against our very desire to succeed. In Philippians 1:6 Paul assures us whom are broken, us whom are being worked on by God we are to “be confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” We must have unshakeable faith that God is not done with us yet. His painting of our lives is much grander than the unfinished ugly work on the backside of the canvas, for on the day of completion in his work we can be assured that, when we are invited around to the front side of his work it will be the most beautiful painting our eyes could ever fathom.

The good news is not pick yourself up, it is not you can do it, THE GOOD NEWS IS  put your faith and confidence in him because he has begun a work in you he promises to complete. You say it’s risky, you say I’ve done that Sean, I’ve risked everything to follow Jesus. I say with risk comes cost, with risk comes injury, but your injury is self- inflicted, your cost is the stripping and tearing down of the old you so God can mold and transform the beauty of his work into something much greater than you can ever imagine. But Sean I want to avoid pain, I don’t want to risk because risk is painful. I’ve got news for you, avoiding pain is like avoiding gravity, you will never avoid pain.

The enemy lurks constantly to steal your confidence through accusation and assumption, blinding your eyes to falsehoods of God and his promises. My confidence has been shaken, my confidence torn to the ground, however, Jesus says in Matthew 16:25, “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” It’s time to lose your life, it’s time to step out and walk on water in faith, God will direct you to land. Confidence is used 54 times in the bible, Faith is used 336 times in the king James version. We can confidently have faith in all we do this year. For all of us whom have been injured when taking risk please hear in Hebrews 10:22-23, “let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, he who promised is faithful.” God is FAITHFUL to us. His promises reign true.

I know that having my confidence shaken deters me from confidently approaching him. I have a hidden belief that I am in trouble, there’s no way I can come to him in confidence! I’ve done this, I’ve done that. I’m for sure in trouble. I allow my mind to be taken over by the enemy in assumption. It’s like when I get a text or you get that text from your mom that just says, “Call Me”, my mind begins to swirl, what did I say, what did I do, how can I field this, so I pick up the phone and make the call. “Hello” “hey sweetie, just wanted to let you know I got tickets to the basketball game, wanted to see if you wanted to go.” “WOW, really that’s it” We have to approach God with confidence and freedom. Ephesians 3:12 reminds us, “In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.” We can come to him bare, we can approach him with the faith as though our week was Jesus’ week. We can come before god having been clothed with the righteousness of Christ. You see we have been given the permission to approach the throne of grace boldly and with Faith. Hebrews 4:16, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” So I leave you with this we are to remain faithful and full of confidence in everything that we do. Knowing that our god will always show up in all that we do. David says in his exuberant declaration of faith in Psalm 27 13-14 “I remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” BE STRONG, TAKE HEART and wait for the lord! Wait for the lord for he is always faithful, his hand will always deliver, and is not done with you yet. It is time to close my eyes and grab his hand, is it yours?



OPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2015

Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.

Deliverable Sean A. Blair: reblesforchrist@gmail.com

HOPE - The Heart of Christmas

 

                      A Memoir From Christmas 2012 - The Addict's Mom

 

My memories of Christmas for 15 plus years is "A child, a child, stolen from my life.  Do you hear what I hear?"

A very silent night. Do you know what I know?

My son drags around his addiction like  chains, but only he can turn things right.

I'm an addict's mom and it's another Christmas! ‘Tis the season to be jolly, and I’m trying, but while roasting chestnuts and jingling bells, I grieve for my son and his very tortured life. The joy of the season and the pain in my heart are like a tangle of tinsel, or competing garlands of flashing lights. This year, yet again, my youngest daughter will be home for Christmas, but her brother will not.

My son's stocking is no longer hung by the chimney with care, and none of the wrapped presents tucked under the tree are for him. Long gone are the days of toy trains and blocks, jammies and robes, designer clothes and gift cards. Long gone are the days of giving gifts safe for an addict―gifts my son couldn’t sell for cash, or fall off of while drunk, or cut himself on while high. Gone, even, are the days of giving a gift certificate for addicts know how to turn a gift certificate into cash for their next high.

The last time my son was in rehab, I collected photos of the people and places he loved more than anything in the world (well, until he loved the things that fed his addiction even more). Happy memories, warm memories, I carefully placed them into a shoe box and carefully wrapped the box in any Miami Dolphin's Christmas wrapping paper I could find, hoping my gift would touch God's heart as he heard my prayer day after day. I was hoping this would be the Christmas, God would pull him back. But, before I could put my Christmas gift under the tree, another phone call or news of my son would shake my reality that another Christmas would pass and his carefully wrapped gift full of memories would one more year represent his turning his back, yet again, on the help and the hope and on a family who loved him! The carefully wrapped box would sit on a closet shelf collecting dust one more year!

Sadly, visions of sugar plums and those childhood memories were no longer what danced in my son's head. On Christmas, he will be far away. My heart breaks just a little bit more just thinking of this. But Mandi, my youngest child will be there and maybe my oldest son; and eventually years passed and the grandkids were home. We will tear wrapping paper and toss bows and eat too many cookies, toss dinner rolls and watch movies and play games―we will be making new memories, and those gifts of time are the ones that really mattered. I don’t get to make new memories with my middle son, though. The memories I have of him, of us, are old and dusty like the Christmas gift abandoned on the shelf.

All I ever wanted for Christmas was my son back from the "drug" who stole him, but that’s not a gift I expected to find under the tree year after year. Instead, I tried to wrap myself up in the peace of the season. Instead, I tried to disguise the pain that threatened to consume my life!  I hid in a bottle, In my work, behind a smile, I denied myself happiness! I became the phony, the broken person behind a fake smile!

Christmas became a day stuffed with unspoken disappointment, anger and fear rather than too much pie and good cheer. We all waited for the phone call to let us know that this Christmas day the son, the grandchild, the brother and eventually the father , was alive and made it to one more Christmas. Some years I had a good working number to try and call and other Christmas's I had none.

 

Retreating to different parts of the house, we all avoided the sadness and phony smiles until our traditions forced us to sit down at the table across from my son's very empty chair. We never forgot the reason for the season, but our hearts ached for the boy who no longer sat at Christmas dinner!

 

For parents living in the place where love and addiction meet—a place where help enables and hope hurts. For parents trying to figure out the difference between helping their child to live and helping him to die. For parents grieving the loss of a child who is still alive. For parents needing to find a recovery of their own, every day we hold on to the "hope" of Christmas!

For too many people, stigma and shame have them suffering in silence. When addiction grabs a child, it chokes a parent. I know the life-draining squeeze of its grip. I’ve never felt so incapable and

helpless, so sad, so lonely. Such fear. My child has been stolen

from me—stolen from himself—and I mourn his loss and suffering

from a very lonely place.

 

My baby grew up to be an addict. There was a time when I believed

a mother’s love could fix anything, but it can’t fix this. So, there’s a

gaping hole in my life where my son should have been. Falling in

the hole or filling it up were my only options, so I had to take steps

to fill it or let myself drown in it!

 

I choose to honor my son with my words and my actions―not the addict and not the drug! This doesn’t mean I didn’t care. Or that I didn’t hurt. Or didn't cry. It just means I had to fill the hole in my life where my son should be with goodness, not badness. Kindness, not madness.

I’m not ashamed of my son; I’m sad for him. And, I learned not to be ashamed to be the mother of an addict. Instead, I was ashamed of me, for letting my family down, the people who needed me!  I could help them, I couldn't help my son!  So I decided on one cold blustery Christmas day, I will no longer behave as though addiction is a dark secret and I’m not going to live like a cockroach hiding under a rock.  My son the addict wouldn't care, but my son would!

I want to be open and honest about what addiction has done to my son and to our family, hopefully helping some people along the way. Like my son, I have choices. And I choose to live life.

I didn't know where he had his last Holiday dinner. Or if he had one at all!   I didn't know if he was spending Christmas outside in the cold or if he had a warm bed to sleep in! I didn't know if it was true he was sober or he had a needle hanging out of his arm. Many times I didn't know if that Christmas Day, like so many other days if he was dead or alive! I had to adjust to the Holidays the way it was and stop wishing for the way it should be, but time never took away the hurt — or the hole where my son should be. Instead, over time, I grew stronger. I became strong enough to face the hurt rather than stuff it away.  So many times I wished I could close my eyes never to awake again to this emptiness and fear!

 

In my darkest hours, my weakest moments God gave me a glimpse of my son!  A phone call to allow me to say I love you son!  A phone call that says even if for one brief moment, I'm ok mom and I miss you!  These brief phone calls let me live each time one more day!  Each time they gave me moments of  HOPE! Yes, they were brief moments but eventually I became strong enough to fill the hole with things that made the day better, not worse. That means facing reality, not trying to re-create what can’t be re-created, starting new traditions, and spending quality time with some happy old memories and the family who needs you! 

This Christmas I spent it with my son - he is SOBER!  That's all every addicts mom wants for Christmas!  And this Christmas my prayers have been answered!  I can't predict the future, but this Christmas, my son is SOBER, in a warm bed, with a roof over his head, eating Christmas dinner, and laughing and laughing and laughing! We are making new memories this Christmas and that old wrapped box that made it under my tree year after year of yesterday?  I pulled it from the shelf and cried because not only did it hold memories for my son, it represented years of addiction and loneliness, Guilt and Fear, Loss and Tears, and my little boy who grew up to be an addict. I threw it away this Christmas, because it represents the past and we spent this holiday in TODAY representatives of Love and Hope, and thankful for each day of SOBRIETY! 

This Christmas we fall on our knees, with outstretched arms and Thank our God for his blessings as we celebrate the birth of Jesus, the reason for the season!  I’m thankful for that. And I’m thankful that my son is alive.

May your Christmas be filled with Hope!

 

                                             By Addict's Mom - June Amaral

COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2015

Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.

Deliverable June Amaral: junannamaral@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopelessness at Christmas ???

A Memoir From Christmas 2011

Todays the day, the day I again am overwhelmed with shame, guilt, hopelessness, and pain. As previous days I ask for you to hold me, to love me, today your power just isn’t enough. Today I sit wrapped in your arms angry, sad, and limp to the world. I kick you, I scream at you, I punch and I hit. Today is the day I end everything. Christmas after Christmas holiday after holiday all hope disintegrates into a pool of darkness. A giant Black hole I sit suffering in the corner of my own  

destiny. I continue to use you more and more in hopes that this time on this day you finally relieve me of this place. This will be the day everyone will be sorry for letting me sit alone. Today is a day no one will ever forget. A Christmas that I will be loved, this is going to be my best Christmas ever, as my family will finally love and remember me for years to come. Today its all over, the loneliness, the sorrow, the anger, the hate, the rejection, the hopelessness, the depression, the death of my soul will finally be free. I will no longer be trapped in the regret, resentment, and shame. Today I sit with you demon, Glock in hand waiting for you to pull the trigger. Save me from you, save me from this pitch black room I ve been trapped in all day, all week, year after year. I've scratched to find the door I've clawed to find the bottom step to the stairs out of here, yet there are no stairs, there is no way out. Demon help me sleep so I can be loved again, help me sleep so I can FINALLY BE WITH THIOSE I LOVE AGAIN. My hand I raise to stare at the dark metallic circle that holds my future. I close my eyes and when I begin to pull back on what holds my fate, I see a white dot on the back of my eye lids. In the darkness of my dungeon at the darkest time in my life just when I think its finally done, a small speck of light. Click, jammed! Tears fall from my face and then the call,

 “Hello”, “Hi Honey, Just wanted to say Merry Christmas”, “ I hope your doing ok…..” “When your ready we are waiting”  Just moments ago I gave you the pistol and allowed you to determine my fate. Even though I have been shackled to this floor for so long and now I am convinced Im all alone, Im awakened with a light I didn’t even know was God. A light he shined into one of the darkest points in my life.

You see this Holiday Season is still difficult for me, while it is the first time Im home with my family in as long as I can remember, I still carry an emptiness in my heart that only my children can fill. While they are there and I am here Ive learned that through the power of Jesus I will be a better me. When Im ready and in his perfect timing I will never spend another Christmas without them. Today I hold HOPE without you demon. Today I stand still and know that he is God. Today I am loved, Today I am Free. Today god heals me again, because I have given my heart to him. I am found, forgiven, and redeemed in him. I ask you to close your eyes and see the pinpoint white dot on the back of your eyelids. That’s him, he stands before you, beside you, and behind you always crying for a relationship with you. Your not alone this holiday season, he is right beside you, waiting for you to ask for his help, his strength. He longs for you to believe in his glory, in his mighty hand that can release you from the shackles of your demon. He can lock him up, he can defeat what you can’t.

Today I ask you to find him. Today I ask you to pick up a phone call your family, walk into a hospital, call the police department! Today enough is enough, Today see that light he has shined and ask for help! Its ok! Believe me when I proclaim to you with all that I am, YOU ARE LOVED! AND YOU DO MATTER! I pray with all that I am you see the light of Christmas today, this world needs you! You are special and you have purpose! From one addict to another,  its not easy, but, its worth it! I know your struggle, I know your demon! I BELIEVE IN YOU! I LOVE YOU

Ephesians 5:8,14 speaks  “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the lord. LIVE AS CHILDREN OF LIGHT…” “Wake up sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” There is Light in Darkness!  Merry Christmas, from my heart to yours!    

                                                                       By:  Sean A. Blair

COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2015

Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.

Deliverable Sean A. Blair: reblesforchrist@gmail.com