The Drug - My Son's Enemy

My name is June and I am the "addict's mom!  

The journey of recovery begins with one foot in front of the other, one day at a time and the journey of recovery is not just for the addict but also for the addict's family.

"The Drug" – My son’s enemy

For the record, you were never my son’s friend, YOU ARE NEVER anyone’s friend and from the depth of my soul and every ounce of my being, I HATE YOU!  I have always HATED YOU and I WILL always HATE YOU.

YOU claimed to be my son’s friend at a young age.  You promised him laughter and fun.  YOU promised him that he would be “the cool kid” at school!  Soon, YOU became the most important thing in his life.  YOU tricked him into thinking he was popular and that the people surrounding him were his friends too.  But YOU were lying to all of them! YOU just kept sucking in kids with empty promises.  Promises that sucked the life out of them.

It wasn’t enough for YOU, that he became dependent on your friendship.  YOU soon took on different forms, more expensive ones; One day YOU were a cigarette, the next YOU were a needle.  I can’t even imagine in my wildest dreams all of the things my son did for you, but YOU already know all the horrible things, YOU know why he hates you and I hate YOU for all the hurt you caused him.

But I’m a mother – and when YOU were pretending to be my son’s friends all those years, I was dieing inside each day.  YOU robbed me of my little boy, YOU robbed me of the chance to enjoy his teenage years and watch him grow from a boy into a man.  Instead, I spent my time fighting YOU and fighting for him.  At times, I became so consumed with my hatred for YOU, it affected everything I did….my job, my friends, my daughter, everyday life!  YOU made me believe, I was a terrible mother and that I was unworthy of his love.  YOU made me blame myself day after day, until it consumed who I was. 

YOU made HIM a thief and a liar, a con artist, a master of deception, angry, sarcastic, arrogant, and sneaky.  YOU had him in and out of school, in and out of jail, in and out of rehab, in and out of half way houses, and in and out of addiction, all the time giving me hope, but each time YOU yanked it away. Over and over again, YOU slowly killed my heart and my son!

YOU made me half to protect myself and my family from YOU!  Do you know what it’s like to guard yourself every moment of every day because your afraid of whats going to happen to him, afraid for your daughter and yourself, afraid to go home, JUST AFRAID all the time!  Then you con me again, and not trusting him, I slowly let him back in for brief periods, even though I don’t trust him. Then I begin to feel guilty, because I don’t trust him and slightly let my guard down.  I lock up info, I count the pictures on the wall, I sleep with my purse under my pillow, but he always finds something to steal from me or the people I love!  Again, my fault, because I wanted so hard to believe that maybe this time, it was real.  Maybe this time, he got smart and got rid of YOU!  But no, it never happens.  And I continue to repeat this cycle for years to come, as he lies, cheats and steals from everyone I love.  I vow over and over again, not to make the mistake again.

But then, YOU-THE DRUG!  YOU know what you do!  YOU bank on me making that same mistake over and over, because YOU know how much I love my son and YOU use that to get what YOU want!  Because YOU are the LIAR and THE CON.  YOU will stop at nothing – YOU prey on my love for him and decide having him isn’t enough, YOU WANT US TOO!  Now you tempt my daughter, tell her the same lies about how you can make her sadness go away, make her popular, and happy!  She HAS TO leave places early, make choices to walk away from friends, and feel like she has to protect her mom.  YOU made her grow up way to early!  I on the other hand wasn’t as strong as her.  I felt like I failed this boy (my son).  I carried the guilt he should have been feeling for all the terrible things he did, and tried to make it better for all the other people he hurt.  I Paid people back money I didn’t have, I apologized repeatedly for his actions, and I faced all these people every day, embarrassed, hurt and ultimately broken.  Soon, I couldn’t keep up the pretense.  My social time became consumed with talking about YOU, his addiction. A few weeks of awful depression AND TOTAL DESPAIR, I LET YOU almost take my life thru alcohol!  It numbed the pain, and for brief moments I thought being dead was better!  I wondered if this would be Sean’s “bottom”, and he would come back to a family who loved him!  It wasn’t his bottom, but it was the real beginning for me to realize that YOU were not going to take me down too!  YOU the DRUG, just continued on and at another lowest point in my life, Sean instead of hitting his bottom when he almost lost his mother, stole from me instead.

FOR the next several years, YOU the drug, his only true friend, would take him down many roads of self destruction and eventually take his life.  You had already taken ours……YOU took my son, my precious little boy, YOU robbed me of him, YOU robbed him from having his family.  YOU robbed me of having his children in my life and YOU robbed him of being a dad.  But this list goes on and on. 

I had to step away from my little boy.  YOU forced me to lock him out of our family for our protection.  Who knew when the next addict on my doorstep wouldn’t come with a gun, rape my daughter, or kill us for the drug money!  YOU made me lock him up over and over, YOU made me commit him, YOU made me do so many tough love things; things no mother should ever have to do to the little boy she loves.

YOU made me try and prepare for that phone call no mother wants to receive.

You know, the one that says, “I’m sorry – your son is dead.”  I prepared for my little boys funeral over and over in my head.  I composed a eulogy that I would say while standing next to his lifeless skeleton drug filled body.  It was an angry eulogy directed at YOU, the drug that killed my son!  Whenever the words would come to the surface, I would sit and cry for hours in the small little corner of my bedroom!

I want you to know the devastation you have caused to family and other families around me. But YOU the drug are beyond caring, all you see is the money you have made,
or perhaps you don't have a conscience at all.  YOU inflict misery and pain to millions of innocent people, people you don't know, the unheard cry of agony. Ordinary families trying to get by and do the best for their children, Sons or daughters that you don't care about, Lives destroyed at your hands. Kids that you deliberately set out to get hooked on drugs.
When you're a parent and have children you want the best for them, you want them to grow up to be happy, independent, and make their way in the world, to be honest and hard working. What you can't protect them from is the outside world, Monsters like YOU, The Drug, who roam free to destroy lives.
I looked on helplessly as I watched the child I brought into the world change in front of my eyes, and all I could see was death looking back at me, and there's nothing I could do. Believe me I tried; I put myself into situations to pull my son out, more times than I could count in bad neighborhoods, surrounded by dealers and other addicts! An angel must have been on my shoulder to keep me safe, but then I just had to sit and watch my son's personality change from a bright, caring and loving person, a person who had a future into something and someone that I didn't  recognize anymore.
As my family was being destroyed by a Monster like you, YOU also were after yet another young person and got them hooked on the filth that you make a profit from. I silently screamed inside as I watched the child that I raised,  doing things that I never dreamed was possible in order to pay YOU the devil for his next hit, his next fix, a dirty needle!  As families of addicts YOU make us watch helplessly as the cycle begins all over again the following day and you are dragged into a world you didn't know existed.  All I could ever do was pray to God every day that possibly I would see some change in my son's life, but it never happened because YOU the Drug, had drawn him in a world of evil.
Yes, I learned to live in fear, as I watched the child that I brought into this world
jump as the phone rang and you know that he owes money, and the cycle of evil continues and there's nothing you can do. You're a Monster and there's many forms of YOU out there, and YOU may feel that nothing can touch you, but trust me when I say that your time will come, where justice will prevail. 

If it's not in this world it will definitely be in the next, and there will be no rock for an animal that sells or the substance like you to hide. What comes around goes around, and for every bit of misery that YOU have caused to innocent and vulnerable kids out there, along with my son, it will fall back on you a million times over.  

YOU the DRUG, LISTEN UP! It's finally time for a change. Putting your hand on that noose tied around the neck of my boy so that he would hang from that jail cell is OVER! YOU tried to send him to hell, but what YOU didn't count on, is God our Father saw the living hell he had suffered for almost 20 years and our GOD pulled him back!  

So YOU, THE DRUG, get out of our way! GOD has given us a voice!  GOD continues to make us stronger and smarter as he works in our lives to heal both of us.  We travel different journeys, but the one thing that we have in common is YOU and our hatred of everything you represent!  BEWARE, YOU THE DRUG - The addict and his mother are coming for you!

 

By Addict's Mom - June Amaral

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Deliverable June Amaral: junannamaral@gmail.com