Dry Addict
A reminder to all of us - Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Once an addict, always an addict! Just because you are not using, it doesn't mean you are no longer an addict!
Ever heard of a dry drunk or a dry addict? It's a slang expression which describes a person who no
longer drinks or drugs but is still behaving in a dysfunctional way. It can be someone who has given up drinking and
drugging and not made any internal or emotional changes, they stay the
same but the substance is gone. Or in the second case, it can be someone who once was abstinent and on a
progressive path of recovery, but has slowly returned to chaotic and
unrealistic thinking, which may be leading back toward relapse.
The Dry addict is easily distracted from productive tasks. I
visualize this as having the vivid color go out of recovery. Nothing
excites you anymore. The initial euphoria when the colors were brighter, the
sounds were clearer, and the smells were more fragrant, has dulled into
listlessness and a ‘so what’ attitude and perception. We can start to
wonder about the whole point of becoming sober and staying that way.
This is the time YOU need to start a gratitude list.
Being active in your addiction, sets up many trains of thought,
attitudes, feelings, and actions that are destructive. Simply removing
the drugs without changing these underlying factors will
produce a ‘dry addict personality’. It is important to recognize a reversion back to their old ways of
thinking and acting, or lack of progress in moving forward in
recovery. The dry addict now things he can drink and is in the beginnings of relapse.
The AA Big Book describes this condition as being “restless, irritable,
and discontented”. I learned many years ago thru recovery as the mother of an addict, that this set of attitudes can apply to anyone who is
chemically dependent.
A way of looking at the dry addict is that it generates two distinct dangers to their recovery: Dangerous and mental attitudes that exist or
can develop in a person who has not worked on “underlying issues”, or
moved forward growing in recovery.
If left unchecked or unresolved, These can result in certain sobriety threatening actions or behaviors ie drinking, partying and surrounding themselves with people who do!
The addict believes he is Superior and doesn't need recovery which results in the return to a
self-centered person, ‘the world revolves around’ me attitude. Chemically
dependent people are self centered in the extreme. The problem is that with grandiosity they are setting themselves up to be the
center of attention, either superior to everyone around them, or by
playing the victim. Either way, they're separating themselves and putting
distance between themselvs and from the people and world around them. They're really saying I am not like you; the implication is that I am
unique and rules don’t apply to me. In the 12 step programs they call
this believing that I am ‘terminally unique’. It does not have to necessarily mean
that they believe they are the best; it can also be seeking attention through
playing the victim or sitting on the pity pot (the woah is me factor).
Possibly one of the most common attitudes or observable behaviors of
people with
addiction problems I experienced was poor impulse control and impatience. Addicts tend to do what they want, when they want, with little regard for self
harm or hurting others around them. Impulsivity can be linked with
grandiosity to engage in behaviors designed to make them the center of
attention. Another common feature of impulsivity and lack of patience has
to do with time frames. They want and expect things to happen within their
own time frame. Unfortunately, the time frame they impose on themselves and
others is often quite unrealistic. They expect instant gratification in
all areas of their lives. Let’s face it drugs and alcohol work almost
instantly. They have conditioned themselves, to expect
immediate rewards. Unfortunately things don’t happen that way. I heard
the phrase “time takes time” so often in early recovery as the addicts mom, that honestly I wanted to
punch somebody in the nose. (No resentments there!). I couldn't understand that way of thinking because my son was raised my a mom who worked hard for everything she had! He was raised in "family", community, and the ideal that you reap what you sow so where did this selfish, instant gratification, entitlement attitude come from!
Being judgmental is a very destructive attitude for people in recovery. When we
judge a person as being better than or less than, we are setting up a
situation where we inflate our egos feeling better than other people. On
the other hand, if we judge ourselves to be on the short end of the
comparison, we can feel bitter and generate low self-esteem. Being
judgmental is a low self-esteem generator. There is another aspect of
being judgmental they can be very defeatist in nature. That is the fact
that if we are busy judging other people,
we are not paying attention to ourselves. That my friends, is the easy way out! Judge everybody else, so we don't have to look in the mirror at our own behaviors! Its an excuse an addict uses to justify what they are doing!
I've heard it - "Well, you drink", Well, you just bought a new TV", Well, you stayed out late", "Well, you just took a vacation", "Well you did it for my sister", and the list goes on! And Well, your right and because he is being judgemental to justify his behavior, I want to scream at the top of my LUNGS "YOU flippin just don't get it!" Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect! But I have worked hard all my life, since I was 16 years old and I still do! If I want to have a drink, I'm going to have a drink! I don't have a drinking problem! If I want to spend money, I work hard and I can! If I want to go out for an evening with friends, I'm responsible. If I go on vacation, I've earned it and pay my bills. If I did it for your sister or your brother,
rest assured I did it for my addict son 10 times over to bail him out, or give money for this and that or he just took it from me. Because he has nothing to show for all the money he got over the years, is not my problem and he never paid it back, my other adult kids did and yes the list goes on and on and why I don't owe him any explanation, the judgemental addict always has a way of making the mom feel guilty and that I don't do enough! And why, because you are the DRY ADDICT and just like when he was in the throes of addiction, They need everyone else to blame!
In life, when I found myself being judgmental, I used what I called my
centering thought: I am always in the middle. There are people richer
than me and poorer than me. There are people smarter than me, and not so
smart as me. There are people with junkier cars than mine, and there
are people with nicer cars than mine. so, knowing that, I’m always in
the middle. What’s the point comparing?
Complacency – is not only an attitude of someone who is Dry drunk, but it is a red flag, warning whistle, fireworks shooting, warning sign of
someone who is well into the relapse process. An important facet of
being in active recovery is just that, being active, and moving forward.
It is not how fast you are going but rather the direction in which you
are headed. If you become lazy or disinterested and stop being proactive
about your recovery, the natural tendency is to fall back into
addictive behaviors. Your re-engagement in them is just a short step
away.
Once you are lured into any of these attitudes, they start to affect
how you think. Once your thinking is affected and you start to buy into
self-centered thoughts, chances are you’ll engage in the actions
stemming from these self-centered thoughts. My son needs to look at sobriety and recovery as being always on the move. He is
either moving toward a drink and drug, or away from a drug and drink.
The key is that left alone, and not moving forward in recovery, he is
actually sliding toward using. It’s like parking a car on a hill, sooner
or later the brakes will give out before that hill flattens out.
Possibly one of the most futile of all emotions is worry and anxiety
because you’re focusing on what may or may not happen in the future. No one can see into the
future. Being in a state of high stress or anxiety can consume all of
your mental energy. I really don’t think it’s possible to be happy,
serene and peaceful while being in a state of high stress and anxiety.
Dry drunk thinking is dangerous! You will become restless and irritable and discontent. Little things start to annoy you. We start to look for
differences in those around you, yet you are the one who is changing, which causes separation. If you
remember, this is actually the first stage in the relapse process. It is
also is the trickiest because YOU cannot see it coming. If you do not
have a support system of people around you who you freely gave permission
to offer you feedback, You will be in a world of trouble.
If we become unable to see the
progress we’re making in recovery, or we start taking it for granted, is
very easy for sobriety too lose its priority. It is my firm belief that for those in long-term recovery,
complacency is the biggest demon they must fight. On the flip side, I
believe the most viable asset one can have in recovery is
persistence to stay in RECOVERY.
When things get rolling along and life seems to be working well, the
temptation is to lose focus on maintaining YOUR recovery. Need an example? (many people stop taking their medicine because they’re feeling
better, and then wonder why they get sick again.)
Our emotions and feelings get listless and dull and we start overreacting. Either we become emotionally dull or dead or we go hyper
or ballistic. The key point here it is that our reactions are out of
proportion to the event that caused them. Perhaps, an occurrence that
happens every day suddenly sends us into a rage. This can enter the
realm of misplaced or misdirected anger or other emotional venting. At
this point it is a very good idea to seek some emotional support, sit down and have a good cry. Let’s face it, in
recovery and
in life there are highs and lows, ups and downs. Maybe these are
starting to feel a little more dramatic because they are not using drugs, but seeking another drug like alcohol to anesthetize ourselves is a recipe for disaster. Why flirt with replacing one addiction for another! This may sound corny
but we do learn more from our mistakes that are successes. Pain can be a
great motivator.
I wonder sometimes if complacency is not rooted in laziness, but rather
than fear. Is he afraid of success? Is he afraid of failure? Is he
just sitting around waiting for things to work out the way he wants them
to without putting the effort into it? Does he keep asking “when do the good things start happening? Is this all here is?”
If negativity sets in, it is real important to look what going on
beneath the surface. Is it anger and resentments; is some person, place
or thing not working out the way you expect it? Is excessive
anxiety and worry setting in?
Euphoric recall is a real fancy way of saying we only remember the
good times. They remember how much fun they had when they're using, how much
more social they were, how clever, witty, and handsome or beautiful. It
really is a journey into the fantasy land of the past. At the same time they're engaging in this selective recall of only the good times, another
mind game is actually being played. They're consciously or unconsciously
choosing not to remember all the pain and misery. They tend to ‘forget’
things like making a fool of themselves at a party, throwing up all over
the place, waking up in strange beds,(or other places), and not having
memory of the night before. They forget being homeless, helpless, and on the run. They forget the lack of support from family and friends where they burned every bridge. They forget the demon who stole their life!
To the addict why not try simply to sit down with a piece of paper and make two
columns: one for the good things that happened to YOU when you were using
and the second to list the bad things that happened to YOU when you were
using. Make a list. Look at it. Endgame.
You've lose interest in self-improvement. There’s a fine line between becoming peaceful and serene
and, and becoming complacent and lazy. What happened to all those plans
for a ‘new you’? Instead of doing more walking the walk They're doing a
lot more talking the talk. The ‘action’ part of the program seems to
have deserted them. They have lost the momentum driving them forward in their
recovery. Their content to sit back on their butts, letting other people
do the work and simply sit back and receive praise for how well we’re
doing. This is where it is very important to have a sense of reality,
and a purpose and some goals and life.
Many people have an idea that just becoming abstinent will solve
all problems. Don’t get me wrong, stopping the use of drugs and alcohol
can only improve things. However, there is a good chance that there is a
lot of wreckage in the past that will take time to get cleaned up and
resolved. This starts to move into the realm of having unrealistic
expectations and time frames. The addict want things to happen quickly. But,
without action and continual self-improvement, not much will change. Without Continued Recovery, not much will change ie. the dry addict!
Addicts start acting on their old defense mechanisms. They are not only thinking in terms of old attitudes and
thought processes, now they're starting to act on them. The walls,
supports, and the barriers that they erected to support their drinking and
drugging are starting to be acted on again. Things like minimizing the drinking,
rationalizing, and denial start to become real again. They start acting
like they're bulletproof, and infallible and that all that’
recovery stuff’ is for other people, and they fool themselves into thinking they're doing quite well without it.I wonder sometimes if complacency is not rooted in laziness, but rather
than fear. Is he afraid of success? Is he afraid of failure? Is he
just sitting around waiting for things to work out the way he wants them
to without putting the effort into it? Does he keep asking “when do the good things start happening? Is this all here is?”
If negativity sets in, it is real important to look what going on
beneath the surface. Is it anger and resentments; is some person, place
or thing not working out the way you expect it? Is excessive
anxiety and worry setting in?
Looking back at the list of attitudes I see, thought distortions and
actions or behaviors they can generate, it is easy to see how the dry addict is simply nothing more then reverting back to the way it
was when they were active in our use. As mom's of addicts, if you are starting to notice some of the attitudes discussed
creeping back into your life, it is time to start paying attention to
the possibility of relapse and start to once again prepare for your recovery remembering this is YOUR ADDICT'S CHOICE! Turning their life in sobriety and
recovery around, is their choice and it is a continued life of recovery they have to choose to lead!
The ‘dry drunk syndrome’ is a bright red flashing
warning sign for relapse.
Yesterday for the first time in a long time, I as a mom of the addict went back to recovery. I need the community strength to fight for myself and my family as we are lead down this path again! I love my son and I have tried to give him a fresh start. He has the ability to save people and touch their lives. He was on such a strong path of building a new life, But the hopes, the plans, the dreams and his GOD and family, have all taken a back seat to new found people who lead him into nothingness! They care about their next party and nothing about Who He wants to be! Again the old saying rings true - You are who you hang with! Again, it's his choice and in the early months I started to see this thriving young man emerging. Granted he has alot to learn after 17 years of addiction, about life and people in general! Today, I still remain hopeful, but I'm not stupid and this isn't my first rodeo! I recognize the behavior, the lies, and the excuses! I never thought I would be in this place again, but I AM, and TODAY, I know I can only pray for him, he has to do the rest! As for me the mother of an addict, I can surround myself in the recovery community to stay healthy, strong and honest about his addiction! And today, like I have for the last 17 years, I bow my head in prayer for the boy, the man, MY SON, whom I love with everything that I am!
By Addict's Mom - Junann Smith
COPYRIGHT ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2016
Duplications and Publish requests must be in writing.
Deliverable June Amaral: junannamaral@gmail.com
Its dark, its cold, its uncomfortable! Today I have left the
corner where Ive been tucked in for weeks. My strength has subsided to the
beast. After days of emotions running like wild fire through my mind with no
shelf to put them on or a place they can be stored, I just want them to go away
I just want them ignored. Day after day the beast growls and snarls swiping one
claw and then another banging his head against the very bars that restrain him,
he sings a fine fine tune. “Where is your God now? He asks, you have begged day
in and day out you have fallen to your knees, crying out,? He will not help beings
you’re here with me, I'm much better for you cant you see, not let me out and you
will live gloriously.” My heart pounds and pounds I say your right I should’ve
never locked you up, as my mind battles itself internally my feet move two
steps closer and one step back. I reach for the key and the beast grabs a hold
of me he holds me close squeezing me tighter and tighter he whispers in my ear,
I am the light for you, I can make it all go away, I can make sure you never
feel like this again. Worthless, selfless, and full of guilt, shame on you
shame on you isn’t that how it feels. I
kick with what strength I actually have forgetting the battle that has to be won. He kisses my
cheek and says , Now there there give me the key so I can go up the stairs. He
lets me go I fall straight to me knees, I haven’t slept in days and my stomachs
in all knots he screams and snarls and swipes at my face, staring deep in his
eyes, I see a light its called grace. The demon collapses and falls fast
asleep, My God you have come no wait where’d you go. The room is still dark but
there is light at the top of the stairs, I will get there I swear, I grab and
claw my way to the bottom step being as quiet as I can so the beast doesn’t awaken
. He tosses he turns he snarls and moans but he is still not awake . I hear a
voice of a child calling, coach, coach Sean…. I open my mouth to call out,but
nothing. coach we need you, come on…..
it goes quiet and I realize that if not for my own worth then for them. I can
carry guilt and shame all I want by myself, I can carry the loads that I choose to
carry around, its not healthy , but I can do it. But to carry those loads and
allow them to affect other peoples lives isn’t fair/ It isn’t fair for someone
else to have to deal with the consequences of my own actions. I chose to carry
that stuff not them. If I cant be the best me for them, then who am I really. The
kids don’t need the weight and you know what neither do I! So as I carefully and
quietly crawl up the stairs my voice gets louder and so
does theirs! I remember I said leave the baggage where it sits don’t pick it up
cause it gets heavy too quick. As for my God, he is there I know for a fact, I wouldn’t
be getting out of this room all in tact. So ill continue to pray down on my
knees 
